Last night I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and then stayed up googling how breast milk is made while I ate some walnuts and the fetus inside me kicked around. I realized I had no idea how the milk happens. I know that breast milk will likely come out of me at some point after I give birth, but I never really considered how it comes to be inside my body nor the biological logistics. There’s a lot of talk about lactation when you are pregnant, mainly focused on the milk coming out and getting into the baby, but not much it seems about how bodies actually make milk. I still don’t really know. Why didn’t we learn about this mind boggling human-feeding process in biology class? All I remember learning is that mammals feed their babies with their breast milk.

The more I learn about pregnancy, birth, and childcare, the more I wish my husband could breastfeed. In the novel Woman on the Edge of Time by Marge Piercy, children are incubated and raised by not one, not two, but three parents of any sex and gender, all of whom are given hormones so that they each can breastfeed the baby. The three parents are the main caretakers, or mentors rather, of the baby, but the entire village parents all the children from day one. In this future utopia, the phrase ‘it takes a village’ is actually happening. And it makes a lot of sense. If everyone could breastfeed, we would be one step closer to true communal childcare and alleviate one of the major burdens on new moms, especially those who choose to breastfeed.

Recent media and discourse about motherhood is not so imaginative. Why are we still stuck on this mommy does it all or mommy leaves or mommy fails stuff? Why can’t we envision something completely different and actually radical?

Obviously, there’s the limitations of current science, but there’s also a major lack of social services in the USA and general alienation of parents and the rest of society in modern day living. This isn’t just because of the ongoing COVID pandemic; it felt like this before. Your friend has a baby and then you don’t hear from her for a while. Maybe they live across the country, maybe they moved out of the city, maybe they live kind of nearby but their life has just changed and they are so busy taking care of their baby and once they get the hang of it, or their baby sleeps through the night, they have to go back to work, assuming they get any parental leave to begin with (which is not something currently available for most parents in the USA unless offered by their employer, if they have one). I think there is something more mental that also happens, particularly with moms — when you become a mother you enter another realm and either you know or you don’t know about that realm.

Now that I am becoming a mother soon, I am realizing the drastic divide between those who already are mothers and those who are not. There is absolutely nothing wrong with either not being a mother or not wanting to be a mother, but I think it is very unfortunate that there isn’t more of a mixing between mothers and everyone else. We all, regardless of age, gender, sexual orientation, race, or class, should know about pregnancy and birth and childcare. We should be around all the messiness of childrearing and give each other a hand as part of our regular day-to-day lives. Many people talk about how much they love the smell of a new baby, but where are you when the baby needs a diaper change, or needs to be held for a few minutes, or needs attention when their parents are simply worn out?

This is what I’ve been thinking about as I watch things like Leda react in the film The Lost Daughter (I still need to read the book this film is based on), or the mom in Season 3 Episode 4 of Succession or the pregnant woman who orders pot and then goes into labor with Guy on the street in High Maintenance. In The Lost Daughter I do not think Leda is crazy for wanting to have a career or for feeling the heavy load of parenting alone or for wanting to be with someone who wants to have sex with her, but why doesn’t she have any friends who come by and help out? Why doesn’t her husband take on his half of parenting? In Succession *spoiler alert* I kinda love how heartless the mom is when she takes away her children’s power with one phone call — she perversely flexes her mother-knows-best card in a terrible and twisted way. In High Maintenance I wonder is the pregnant woman ordering pot for before or after labor? Did she get edibles or a blunt? Why isn’t there more scientific knowledge around the effects of marijuana on a pregnant woman (or a non-pregnant woman)?

In becoming pregnant there is a lot of emphasis on prepping for the birth. Where will you deliver? How will you deliver? Then there’s the obsession with the baby. How’s the baby? Can you feel the baby? What are you naming the baby? Is the baby a boy or a girl? There’s also the weird baby bump photos and the maternity style posts. How are you dressing your bump? Maternity photos. Baby shower dresses. In the same way that there is a lot of hype around weddings, there’s a lot of hype around birth and the baby and the pregnant mom, but it seems like the forty weeks or so from conception until the actual birth, at which point there is actually a baby, could be better spent on prepping at least a little bit for taking care of a newborn. And I don’t just mean by the mom — I mean a whole community helping to prep.

I’ve been researching a lot about pregnancy and birth (if you're interested in this reading list let me know and I can share), both things that were previously large holes of knowledge, but not much about what actually happens after you become a mother and have to take care of a little tiny human being. The more I talk to new moms, the more it becomes apparent that this is the area that really requires preparation, mentally and physically, but it is also something you can’t really anticipate because every baby is different and there’s no real way to prepare for survival mode.

In my research and preparation to become a mother I’ve been doing a lot of reading, watching, and listening. For strength and encouragement, I’ve read Revolutionary Mothering: Love on the Front Lines which reminds me that there are different ways to mother and parent and that we can create our own village even if it seems hard or strange to some people. I listened to the audio book of Expecting Better: Why the Conventional Pregnancy Wisdom is Wrong--and What You Really Need to Know by Emily Oster, which has given me more confidence in my own decision making as a pregnant person. I'm looking forward to a never ending research project with the main goal of staying sane as a new mom. In reading Brave New Home: Our Future in Smarter, Simpler, Happier Housing by Diana Lind I’ve confirmed my belief that living in a city and being in a walkable and metro-accessible area is worth the price and that the benefits will far outweigh the costs, not just for me, but for my entire family. It also reinforced my involvement in Democratic Socialists of America as essential. We must work with each other to get more affordable housing, universal health care, and other social safety nets. By listening to the Artist/Mother podcast I am staying inspired by moms who candidly share how they make money, how they and their family care for their children, and how they make art. By continuing to interview women and moms who make art in public space on my own podcast First Coat, I am widening my idea of what is possible.

I’m realizing that my main task at hand, besides figuring out how to care for a newborn, why nipples bleed when breastfeeding, and what exactly do you put a baby in while you want to draw, is cultivating my village and allowing myself to parent communally as best as I can, in my own way, instead of relying on the modern-day expectations of mothering or the media discourse around what moms can and can’t do, who they can and can’t be, or even centering them as the sole childcare provider in the first place.