Originally written July 2022.

I'm writing this as my four-month old sleeps on me while nursing. We are very lucky as she has been sleeping through the night for over a month now, but her daytime naps are almost nonexistent. This means my husband and I both get sleep, but I, as the main caretaker, spend my days as a combination all-you-can-eat milk diner and pull-out sofa for our baby. I don't hate it, until 4pm comes around and I'm scream texting my husband for backup. The forth trimester has ended and I'm now in the what-do-we-do-now part of motherhood.

Like most career-driven women and first-time moms-to-be, I envisioned my self-imposed, unpaid maternity leave to be a kind of break. Not necessarily a relaxing vacation but closer to that than running a marathon. I now know it's more like being on a hamster wheel and not being able to stop because someone else's (your baby’s) life depends on it, with no alcohol. I'm realizing that this is the rest of my life, in the best way possible, though I'm hoping cocktails return to mine soon.

Besides the regular postpartum stuff, which you can google and research until your head explodes, I had my own share of the unexpected. I left the hospital in the middle of the night with a very tiny, almost premature baby, a very tired but new expert-at-swaddling husband, and unforeseen and unexplained health issues, some that I'm still dealing with today. This, I'm learning, is not that uncommon. The more time I spend as a mom the more mom secrets I learn.

In addition to adjusting to the care of an infant, breastfeeding, and wrapping my head around what the hell just happened, I was also managing my health via my new frenamie blood pressure monitor, various medications, and the stairs of our three-story house. I spent most of my fourth trimester in my bedroom, with increased visits to the living room, back deck, and coffee shop across the street as the weeks went on. I learned that the debilitating feelings I felt during pregnancy, when I was too tired or nauseous to do anything, were just training for the way I have felt postpartum. The need to pee every 20 minutes while pregnant was just a foreshadowing of feeding my baby on demand. The weird aches and pains of pregnancy were just a little taste of the post surgery healing and paranoia.

I cannot pretend to have any advice for other pregnant ladies, but I can share what has helped me get through the hardest, most unpredictable, and most amazing last few months. I've learned how to be flexible, how to truly rest, and how to let other people help me. I'm still working on asking for what I need and giving myself time, instead of using my time not caring for baby to research and continue thinking about baby. That's the thing about being a mom and an artist--once you become both you cannot neglect either. I am not yet having consistent, if any, studio time, but I am trying to believe that I will. And in the meantime, I'll be resting with my baby as long as I possibly can stand it.

REST

• Cuyana robe

• Slippers

• Eye mask

• Kindle Paper White & Candy House by Jennifer Egan or Linea Nigra by Jazmina Barrera if you wanna cry

• Athletic non-alcoholic beers

BE WITH BABY

• Nesting Days Carrier

• Wildbird Wrap Sling Carrier

• Baby Massage

• Postpartum Doula

• My Breast Friend / Pillow

EAT & HYDRATE

• Chiyo (formerly Nouri Mama)

• Hydroflask widemouth with straw

• The Fourth Trimester: A Postpartum Guide to Healing Your Body, Balancing Your Emotions, and Restoring Your Vitality by Kimberly Ann Johnson

• Meal train - ask someone else to organize this for you and ask someone who’s had one what this is.

• Snack station - I like: Justin’s almond butter, coconut water, unsalted nuts, dried fruit, trail mix.

MOVE

• Hoka walking shoes

• On Demand Postnatal Yoga with Sonia Reiter

• Anook sports bra that clips off for breastfeeding

• Belle Method postnatal pilates

• Align leggings

COMMUNE

• Family and friends — call them, text them, beg them to come over and sit with you.

• Baby group — I’m part of Park Slope Parents here in Brooklyn, NYC.

• Video calls — Facetime, Zoom, Facebook Portal. Do what you gotta do.

• Thrive Together Network — especially good for artist moms.

• An Artist Residency in Motherhood

WARDROBE

Purge your clothes. Just pack away what you aren’t gonna wear so you can enjoy this special time where you can wear as little as possible and be comfy with your baby.

• Pumping bra - I didn’t realize you needed a bra specifically to pump or else you are basically holding the flanges on your boobs.

• High waisted undies

• Nesting Olive dress

• Storq bra and pants

• T shirts & bike shorts w/pockets

FOR YOU

• Sketchbook

• Mani pedi from your local favorite place

• Dry bar blow out

• Alone time

• Therapy