Thoughts on Beautyland by Marie-Helene Bertino
I recently did something for myself, by myself. I joined five strangers in a dark bar, a fifteen minute walk from my house, to discuss the novel Beautyland by Marie-Helene Bertino.
I have been a part of a local parents group book club Signal chat for possibly over a year and have read each month’s book club pick but have never actually gone to an in-person meetup. Prior to a week ago leaving my house, alone, to do something as frivolous as discuss a novel felt, and actually was, impossible. Just reading the book was an accomplishment.
“Trust the group,” a halal vendor tells her. “Living in New York,” Adina writes in a notebook, “is like sitting at a nine-million-person blackjack table. We work together against the dealer.” ― Marie-Helene Bertino, Beautyland
Beautyland is either a science fiction novel or a literary fiction novel. I think the author truly wants the reader to decide for themselves which it is. I still have not decided. I read the book like a thirsty bro at a bar downing a couple of beers. I enjoyed stepping into the life of a young girl who is, or believes she is, an alien sent to Earth to document human behavior.
I related to a lot of the main character Adina’s feelings and insights. She documents her life from childhood to adulthood reporting to her superiors vía fax with poignant and bittersweet observations of life on Earth.
'The ego of the human male is by far the most dangerous aspect of human society.
THIS HAS BEEN WELL-DOCUMENTED.'
― Marie-Helene Bertino, Beautyland
While I do not think I am an alien, I learned at this book club that it is somewhat common for a child to think she or he is an alien. It makes sense. We are plopped here and given consciousness only to have to figure out what the hell is going on.
I have lately been trying to figure out how to be a mother of two and maintain some sense of personal identity. I’m a working artist currently on unpaid maternity leave with the luxury of staying home with my new baby and hanging out with my toddler on occasion on weekdays. It is hard, confusing, complicated, tiring, exhausting, exhilarating, and magical.
When people ask me how it’s going with two kids I sometimes struggle to answer. Explaining to someone who has not has kids what it is like to have a kid is already hard; sharing how having two is, even to someone who has had one, is somehow harder. Often I say 10/10 would not recommend, followed by: it is also amazing. I try to remind myself that while it is hard now, it will (hopefully) get a bit easier as they get older.
“People with money list what they did without. Poor people list what they had.”
― Marie-Helene Bertino, Beautyland
Reading Adina’s faxes made me feel less alone and, well, less alien in having such a variety of feelings regarding motherhood, career, and everything else I experience in my life. Adina is single and does not have children, but her straight-forward and thoughtful insights are lovely and relatable to me. Maybe it’s because I remember feeling so similar as a child and teenager and even as a single person living in a big city pre-marriage and before having kids. This is partially why the ending made me cry so much. I really loved that version of me, the lonely, struggling, stuck-in-my-head, am I an alien version of me. I hope some of that essence is still there and I’m also very, very thankful that I no longer feel so alone and alien, mainly thanks to my family and friends, but also because I’ve accepted that the only way to truly connect to another human being is to be open to immense pain, trusting that you can recover despite what the future holds.
“Human beings, Adina faxes, did not think their lives were challenging enough so they invented roller coasters. A roller coaster is a series of problems on a steel track. Upon encountering real problems, human beings compare their lives to riding a roller coaster, even though they invented roller coasters to be fun things to do on their days off.”
― Marie-Helene Bertino, Beautyland
The relationship between Adina and her (single) mother made me think about my relationship with my mother and my relationship with my daughter. What does my daughter perceive about me and the world around her without me saying anything at all? What lessons am I actively teaching her that may or may not land? How does the fact that I very rarely, if ever, wear make up or perfume influence her understanding of beauty? Why did I tell her that some clothes are ugly? (In my defence, she, my daughter, had been drawing with marker on her legs. In an attempt to explain why she can’t do that, I said if she can’t use markers like a big girl then I can’t buy her pretty clothes because they will get ruined, and somehow I said I would only be able to get ugly clothes. But what are ugly clothes?).
“The human life span was perfectly designed to be brief but to at times feel endless. A set of years that pass in a minute, eternity in an afternoon. Yet in the same way competing weather fronts produce a climate that’s right for a tornado, brevity versus eternity (the push-pull that contains everything) is the condition for romantic love, sorrow, betrayal, joy. Countless meaningless profound transactions.”
― Marie-Helene Bertino, Beautyland
This book is still making me think about things like parenting, friendship, what makes a life well lived, how does one feel less alone, what makes someone human, what will I remember when I am old, if I’m lucky enough to be old, what will I wish I had written down, what do I hope will be found, what traces will I leave behind. I wouldn’t say it is a beach read but I do recommend you read it this summer.
I read every day. I’ve learned through other parent chats that many moms do not. There simply is not enough time. I understand that, but even if it’s just for ten minutes the reading helps me feel more human.
I highly suggest that all humans read a bit more, fiction ideally, to help us all not just get through this life, but savor it, the way I think Adina did.